The Problem of High School Sports, Part XXXIII

 

Washington DC Public Schools (DCPS) recently made headlines across the country when it was reported that students would no longer be bound to their neighborhood schools after the Chancellor enacted a very liberal transfer policy.  Chancellor Michelle Rhee would allow multiple transfers to any high school in the District for any reason. 

The Washington City Paper recently had an article about Chancellor Rhee’s decision to allow fifth-year athletes to continue playing sports even if they fail a grade.  Keeping both of these controversial decisions in mind, I’m launching a new sports management agency.  There is no reason why I shouldn’t capitalize on the problems of high school sports.

After you read the linked article, feel free to peruse my modest proposal below…

BALLERS ONLY DISCLAIMER:  The following is an independent advertisement and is no way affiliated with the District of Columbia Public School system.  This is an attempt to get money from stupid athletes destined for large signing bonuses or bonii.  This service does not provide any guarantees and reserves the right to drop your ass if you don’t actually make it into a professional sports league.  Again. this is an attempt to stack significant paper, so if you ain’t got no money and you ain’t about to make no money then you might want to keep steppin’. 

 

  • Did you fail a grade because the academics were just too tough at your DC public school?
  • Do you know for a fact that you will be a professional basketball of football player?
  • Are you tired of school administrators trying to tell you what to do with your career?
  • Are you the type of person that doesn’t get things the first time around?

From the people that brought you My Mans & Them Micromanagement TM Charm School now offer remedial educational services for District of Columbia residents in the form of…

 

My Mans & Them Micromanagement TM Community College1

Now you can transfer during any point before your graduation from high school into our special classes that will allow you to play DCIAA sports for one additional year provided that you live within the confines of the District of Columbia.

That’s right! Start tanking your classes today so that you can begin the journey of a lifetime by transferring into the realm of professional sports. The District taxpayers are practically paying you to play!

Now you can even play four years at a private school of your choice and transfer to one of our 15 campuses located across the beautiful District of Columbia for a glorious fifth year of sports. You’ll literally be a man among boys except you won’t be bothered with classes that are “too hard” or teachers that care “too much.” All you have to do is start the failing process for your respective sport now. 2

Increase your chances of obtaining [read: getting] a college scholarship [read: free ride] while enjoying our relaxed atmosphere.3 Pay absolutely no tuition and get the help and time that you need to meet the bare minimum requirements for college eligibility. But who are we kidding? You don’t need college anyway!4

What are you waiting for? Just sign our waiver and make My Mans & Them MicromanagementTM your official sports agent today and take advantage of this tremendous opportunity!

1 Community College is not an actual college, per se, but more like a fifth year of high school level work at a DC Public School. Credits earned at My Mans & Them MicromanagementTM Community College will not be transferable to an actual Community College in any way.

2 In this trial period we will consider basketball and football athletes only. Football players can begin failing after 1st Quarter progress reports to maximize time on the playing field. Basketball players should plan on failing after the 3rd Quarter progress reports to maximize time on the court. If you are attending a private school you shouldn’t fail out until your senior year. If you are already a DC Public School student then transfer as much as you like and fail in any year that you see fit!

3 Athletes need to be prepared that the atmosphere really isn’t all that relaxed. Shootings, dealing drugs, prostitution, and stealing are all a part of inner-city reality so you better get used to it. At least with your light class load you won’t have to hang around the campus that much and you can get back to practicing the skills that you really want to hone. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: PlayStation 3!

4 The minimum age for the NFL is 20 years old. If you play football you essentially don’t have to go to a real Community College if you are just that good –and stupid. (See Maurice Clarrett.) The minimum age for the NBA is now 19 which means that you’ll actually have one extra year of experience when you get in the league.

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