Out of Reach & Out of Touch With Reality

 

"Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, / Or what’s a heaven for?"  -Robert Browning in Andrea del Sarto. 

"All around the world / Girls around the world / This goes out to / Girls around the world. / All around the world. / This goes out to / Girls all around the world."  -Lloyd "Girls Around the World" 

Well folks, I’m half a year away from 35 and I still haven’t been married.  I’m starting to realize that it might never happen, and surprisingly, I’m okay with that.  I mean that approaching so close to 35 you have to begin to realize what your whole life (presume the 70 year old average life expectancy) has in store for you.  I’m not going to be a racing car driver.  I’m not going to be a prize fighter or a professional basketball player.  These are not necessarily disappointments but realizations based on what is known.  I haven’t sown the seeds for any of that, and you reap what you sow.  I think that I already had my mid-life crisis around 25 years old, but this new assessment is something entirely different than the panic-ridden self examination that I endured during that critical year or so.

Almost ten years later, I don’t worry about the same things that I used to worry about.  I know that I can make an honest living and live comfortably at 34.  I know exactly what I need to survive, at a minimum, and I have even explored some of the maximums of personal consumption.  It would be nice to continue to harbor the dream that I might find the love of my life in this world and live happily ever after with her and our perfect kids, but my desire might be based on long-held fantasies.  But the realist in me is rooted in science and it knows that the best prediction of the future comes from historical facts.  Armed with that knowledge it is easy to see how I have come to the slow realization that perhaps a wife and kids was never in my destiny, and more importantly, how I became okay with that scenario.

Oh, I know I’ve been saying things like "I moved around a lot."  Or, "I had commitment issues during a critical time of maturing my understanding of relationships."  I even convinced myself that I haven’t found the right one and that I should hold out for that one unattainable woman of my dreams.  Well, I’ve always been a dreamer, folks.  And since I’m not really doing to good with the ladies these days in reality, I think that it’s time that I let all of you in on a little secret of mine: I’m barely in reality anyway.  Lord knows that I would certainly be more willing to consider nuptials with these women if they would somehow appear in my day to day reality, but if not, why stop dreaming?  To most of you this isn’t making much sense, but without further ado, I present those women that are out of my reach, but maybe within my grasp.  (This post could be considered the "Dandini Thinks You’re Oh-So Fine Awards" and it would be the second installment.)  So if any of you folks out there know these women, or better yet if you’re reading this, please believe it.

 

Lolo Jones

The Problems:  Good Lord, Lolo is fast.  Lolo is fine and fast, and most of you don’t even know who Lolo is.  Well that makes perfect sense because Lolo is from Iowa.  She didn’t even make it to my radar screen until she starting taking pictures when LSU won the women’s track title a few years back.  Now everybody knows Lolo because she’s representing the United States in the 200 hurdles.  In a cruel twist of fate, this may give her the photo exposure that she finally needs to make it to the big time and ultimately less likely to ever deal with the likes of me should we ever meet.

I know that I have her by like eight years and that she’s really busy trying to win a gold medal in Beijing for the next couple of months, but she’s a winner that I can wait for.  There is something about the female athlete that just speaks to me.  I know from experience that female athletes require a great deal more energy than your average woman, but I think that I wouldn’t mind working out to get in better shape to make her happy.  Either that, or I would have a huge smile on my face after dying of a heart attack.  To top it off, Lolo is incredibly well-spoken and articulate.  Let’s face it, even Lolo’s name is gangster fresh: it says "black girl fine enough to have a name like Lolo and still be considered fine."

 

The Pitch:  I have a thing for those Creole types (I know she’s not really Creole but she does look like she could make some gumbo, doesn’t she?), so I unabashedly bask in her beauty.  I have no idea what I would say to her other than that Leo’s usually love me.  Judging by the photos on her web site, Lolo likes to party.  Maybe we could celebrate her impending gold medals in New York City going from club to club to test party endurance?  If she can’t already, I think it’s time that we did some cross-training surfing lessons in Venice Beach.  Whatever, girl, I would move to wherever you wanted me to be.  I think that we could figure this thing out in just one date.  Girl, you are definitely fine enough for me to lock it down in immediate status.  Seriously email me.  Please.

 

Candace Parker & Candice Wiggins

The Problem:  Too many of you already know these two basketball up-and-coming stars because they faced each other for a NCAA Women’s Basketball National Championship in 2008.  Candace Parker had an outstanding career at Tennessee and went on to be selected first overall in the WNBA draft.  Candice Wiggins held it down at Stanford and went third overall in the draft after graduation.  Candace Parker can dunk.  Candice Wiggins can ball out of control and could probably dunk too, but she is 5’11".  They will both be heavily involved in the Olympics this summer and probably have a whole lot going on in their worlds right about now.  Heck, Candace Parker might already be engaged to Sheldon Williams, so I’m really going to focus on Candice Wiggins on this double selection.  Besides, something tells me that Candice Wiggins is the greater prize because she went to Stanford and her father was a former Major League Baseball player.  (I’m thinking about cashing in on those athlete genes, again.) Both of them are super cute in that not-too-manly way which is the best a female basketball player can hope for.

                              

The Parker Pitch:  Candace Parker, leave Sheldon Williams and just kick it with your boy at the beach for a couple of months.  You’re like Beyonce except you have more talent, so what do you need with Jay Z?  No disrespect.  I am not intimidated by the fact that you happen to be 6’5".  I actually like that.  If it doesn’t work out, I promise that after we do it for a few more weeks, after that, then we can start to wind it down, for real after we do it a couple more months.  If you weren’t so damn fine, then I wouldn’t be coming at you like this.  What more can I say?  I mean, really, what does a brother have to do?

The Wiggins Pitch:  Candice Wiggins, really we would have the cutest chocolate, athletic children the world has ever seen so let’s just get married already.  Alright, then just have my kids.  We really owe it to one another to make this happen.  Being an Aquarius, you can appreciate the spontaneity of my proposal, however I’m sure that your big Stanford brain wouldn’t let you do it without thinking it through.  No matter.  I will not be moved.  We’re a match, and Moms would love you!  You’re a goddess, and I would so worship your Amazonian qualities equally with your high intellectual capacity.  Shoot me text right now, and we can even do the long courtship if you want.

 

Amerie Rogers

The Problem:  Song bird that she is, Amerie is used to a lot of attention by now.  I don’t really give attention as well I should, but maybe she’s ready to finally submit?  I saw her in a picture with Todd Triplett (HU ’99) and I was like, "That should be me!"  I mean I’m not holding it against her but if you’re going to go random dude, you might as well put your boy on.  Ever since the "One Thing" video, I’ve had it really bad for her.  I think those legs must have gone on for miles.  Why must it be a secret?  Half-black and Korean is a great and spicy mix, but I might be too much for her.

After all, she doesn’t have a whole lot of cushion back there but she’s just so cute!  Pretty little things are awesome, but they come with crazy complexes though.  I’m guessing that she’s super bossy even though we’ve never met.  I bet she wants someone super driven, like an over-achiever, too.  Well that quality probably isn’t going to be seen in me with any clarity or regularity.

The Pitch:  Yo, let’s gets some kimchi and dance at some club for a couple of hours.  If I don’t do that special thing, then we’ll call it.  Everything hinges on the get-to-know-you stage on this one.  Perhaps I could let a little Ike slip in and it might get some play?  But I don’t think that I could do that because she just looks so sweet.  I might just have to wife her up and be whipped on that joint.  Let me be in charge of protecting your insured assets.  I would rub them down and massage them daily.  Who would tell me I was stupid?  I’d be like, Look again fool…

 

Alicia Keys

The Problem:  Sometimes Alicia sounds kind of gangster but I love it.  As long as she doesn’t really mean those Brooklyn gangster-isms then we would probably get along fine.  After all, Brooklyn is on Long Island.  I keep hearing that Alicia is with Swiss Beats or engaged to some record head, though.  I wonder if she could love someone not intimately involved in her area of expertise?  I’m not trying to be a part of her daily business operations or anything, but that doesn’t mean that we couldn’t be close.  Damn Alicia, you’re way to flossy!  I mean, I’d have to floss you a little and all that, but you’re still way too flossy.  I don’t know what I could do to keep myself from staring at you all day.  Meaning that I would want to keep you locked away at a piano, naked, just for myself.  Of course your work production might drop off a little, but I heard that you didn’t want to be in the spotlight past 30 anyway. 

The Pitch:  Girl you know you want a New Yorker with some sense.  You know you don’t want to thug it out anymore than you already have.  Girl, you know you want to do it on that piano right there.  (Wait, hold-up, don’t move.)  I’m willing to look past the other girls that you will undoubtedly bring into our lives and focus on you after we finish the menage a three-ladies.  Consider it like going to charm school except you’ll get the added benefit of totally making my life’s dreams complete.  I would so be in the background holding flowers for you.  I would so be willing to meet you backstage at any show, and I am even a semi-fan of your music.  And I say that because I haven’t been to actually purchase one of your albums.  Who cares?  Why must it be a secret?  Girl your ass is so fat and so perfect!  I’m trying to work with your thick legs.  You’re an Aquarius too, get at this.  We can have the best of both worlds together.  And that’s word is bond, son.

 

Lisa Raye

The Problem:  I told you not to get married to that island dude.  He had no idea that he was holding a diamond.  I have a feeling that you have a propensity for guys that don’t appreciate you though.  Well I’ve been on it since "The Players Club" but I have no illusions that you would suddenly fall for a guy that isn’t rolling in dough even though those acting roles haven’t been coming like they should.  Some say that you are a really worth-it gold digger.  Some say that you aren’t the sharpest tool in the drawer. 

Why are you so fine though?  Really, this is another case of you’re just too fine not to have on my top whatever list.  And you have been at or near the very top of all of my whatever lists for quite some time now.  I know that you’re a little older than me.  I know that you will never squeeze out my kids because you have your own.  I know that you’re Da Brat’s half-sister, but I don’t care.   Your inherent dope-ness some how takes care of all of that.

The Pitch:  I could be your uxorious husband.  [Yes, girl, that is a real word.]  Seriously girl, look it up: it means that you should call me.  I’ve been waiting like forever, but I won’t hold a grudge against you.  Girl your widow’s peak is sexy and you have voluptuous legs.  Let me lay in your thighs all day and tell  you wonderful stories.  Make it happen before it’s too late.

 

Halle Berry

The Problem:  They say that Halle Berry is damaged goods.  David Justice and Eric Benet wrecked it for all of us Negroes.  Halle, I’m willing to look past all of that though.  I know that you’re like 40 and some change and just had a baby with that Spanish dude.  We could still work this out and salvage what, in my mind, has been a great relationship so far.  (Oh you didn’t know we was together?  Yeah man, we been in this little thing of ours since the tenth grade.)  Despite her classy, squeaky-clean, image I have a suspicion that she has some different sides to her as well.

They say that you aren’t ever supposed to want to go back after having black and yet I find myself trying to recruit you back into the fold.  You might could get a pass with that regular Spaniard, though.  Fine, so be it, then.  If you just wanted to try some black regular (nicknamed "Big DIC") dude for a little while, I’m your huckleberry.  OH yeah, this is supposed to be problems.  Well the problem with Halle is that I think of her and start babbling like an idiot.

The Pitch:  We both might have problems if there is any truth to the rumor that you don’t enjoy doing the nasty, but I’m willing to have a couple tries anyway.  I would so knock the dust of that.  Maybe you just wanted a baby with that Spaniard dude?  Cool.  Now it’s time to re-up with a real G, a gentleman and not a gangster.  Don’t you want to have a black baby like all the other chicks in Hollywood?  We could still pop off, Halle!  Let’s explore!!

Lucy Liu

The Problem:  I am not a racist, Lucy.  You are stupid fine, and another New Yorker after my heart.  I’ve been a fan since Ally McBeal but something tells me that you might not be into brothers.  Also you’re a little old for me and you have been way too into your career which means that I’m probably way behind the eight ball when it comes to your heart.  No worries.  I think that I could eventually win you over.

The Pitch:  Quit playing, girl, you know you love chocolate!  Seriously, I think you’re beautiful and I would totally sport you and tell all my friends that you’re better than black girls when we are together.  I totally have no fears that you could pull this thing off and become an accepted, full fledged member of the black community.  You are an icon.  You were the other black girl opposite Vivica Fox in them Uma Thurman and Tarrentino joints.  (See, you know what I’m talking about, though.)  I think that you’re an amazing looking actress and totally hot.  We could totally be together for a serious run at a championship.  Let’s team it up!

 

Mya Harrison

The Problem:  Half Italian and half Jamaican, R&B  starlet, what is not to love? For once we are about the same age and you probably come to Washington DC a lot.  You are a Libra which means that this could probably work.  I did see you give Ben Afleck a lap dance though, so it makes me think that I’m not what you’re looking for.  Also your career is kind of on break, but it is not as if that matters to me in the least.  I guess my main concern is probably the temper that comes with all that hot blood.  You might be the type that despises me at our first acquaintance. 

The Pitch:  Mya, I grow on people.  Let’s give it a couple of months of going steady and see where it leads us.  Mya, you are fine as hell.  Oh my gosh, you have the little short black girl thing on lock for me.  Can you cook your ass off?  I mean you’re half Italian and Jamaican, so it’s got to be going down in the kitchen, right?  I love your little tummy pouch, coke-bottle body, plus I know you can shake it for me.  I actually enjoy your music in doses like Sugar.  Invite me over to your spot for dinner so we can jump this off something proper.  I’ll bring the wine, smokes and dessert.

 

Manon Von Gerkan

The Problem:  I know you.  I know that you wouldn’t remember me without some serious help, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t know each other.  More importantly, we need to know each other better.  I’ve held a match, that I intended to light the candle that I was going to hold for you for quite some time now.  What’s it been?  Ten years?  I haven’t struck that match yet, because I’m afraid of lighting the candle.  If I light the candle then I’ll undoubtedly have to ignite the torch.  If I ignite the torch then everyone will know that I’m really feeling a white girl, which could do considerable damage to  my Howard University reputation.  (Well at least until all the boys see you, then I’m a hero.)  I knew that you were the one for me when you smoked out my boy, Fall-out Rob, on the roof deck of my sister’s place at Prince and Crosby and he passed out on the ground while you were still puffing -looking on with disinterest…  What an incredible woman!  I guess my biggest fear is that I couldn’t be black enough for you.

The Pitch:  Manon, I would hold hands with you on the main Yard of Howard University at 12 o’clock noon on the Friday of Homecoming week and I bet those silly Negroes wouldn’t say a fucking word.  Of course the women would hate silently, but if they said anything I would pull out a gun and shoot them on the spot.  I would do that jail time for your honor, baby.  Even if it never gets that deep, you could have my Howard degree right now for nothing.   For real, Manon it is sitting in some paper packaging ready to be shipped to you for all your Afro-centric pleasure.  Let’s just lounge out for a weekend and if you don’t like it, we won’t tell anybody.  Think of the bright side: when we’re married, Lysa can say that she introduced us.  I’m so down, that I’m learning to speak German.  Seriously, just ask Lysa for my number and call me sometimes because you’ll want to hear this gangster German.  I promise I won’t blow up the spot or be a bother.

 

Stacey Lauretta Dash

The Problem:  You had me at "rollin’ with the homies."  Really, I’m clueless as to why we haven’t hooked up sooner.  (Ba-dump, bump.)  Your birthday is merely a day before mine, give or take 8 years.  So you have a bunch of kids.  So you’re career is relegated to Circus with the Stars and King Magazine.  So you’ve seen them all.   So we wouldn’t have much to talk about….  So the-fuck what?

The Pitch:  Damn it girl, how are you holding it down like this at 40 plus?  You make a brother want to stick around to see what 50 is going to do!  Really, we need to jump on this as fast as possible.  Damn it, you are fine, girl!  This is just simple: let me proper smash in the game.  Easy.

Bonii

Okay, you made it this far so you deserve a bonus, bonuses or bonii [read: bone-eye, plural Latin nigga Damn!] if you will.  Normally I would have to just wait until the results of the Olympics are actually in before I bestow this kind of honor, but the winner of the Dandini Thinks You’re Oh-So Fine, Celebrity Black Girl of the Year award goes to none other than Lolo Jones.  Seriously girl, I love the name.  Don’t change a thing.  You are way too dope to be out there with something ordinary.  Plus I love the way that people probably look at you and wonder like the reporter at the Olympic trials interview.  There is a pretty good chance that you’re not even playing for the team that I need you to be playing on, but you can get the same deal as Alicia.  Seriously though, here are some more pictures of Lolo, and her chilling with her fine ass friends.

It’s your year, girl.  You are about to get so much corporate sponsorship and become the biggest spectacle in track after you kick everybody’s ass in Beijing.  Lolo, I’m going to root for you, baby!

And quietly, we need to bounce back from this Marion Jones thing.  But that’s on the Lolo though.

Honorable Mentions:  Venus Williams, Serena Williams, Ciara, Sanya Richards, Nia Long, Naomi Campbell, Joy Bryant, Meagan Good, Rosario Dawson, and Zoe Kravitz.

Junior Division Champion 

Raven Symone

The Problem:  Raven, you make me feel a little old because I watched you on the Cosby Show and it doesn’t feel right that now I’m considering trying to holler.  But let’s face it, you are totally of age (24-ish) now so what?  You might have a love affair with cupcakes going on already, though.  But for all we know you could just be setting yourself up to do big things.  Why must it be a secret?  You are the new ,young, light skinned Oprah in the making.

The Pitch:  Let me be your Steadman and let’s work on a fifteen year engagement.  You need an elder statesman in your life.  Your thicky-thickness will be taken care of.  I don’t mean that you should lose it.  I’m just saying that I’m going to take care of it.  Every night.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Out of Reach & Out of Touch With Reality”

  1. DanKnuckles Says:

    I would also like to add that Michelle Wie is fine as hell.  Please check here and here if you don\’t believe me.  She could easily be the Junior Division runner up.

  2. michelle wie swing coach Says:

    Why you here? It’s not so interesting.

  3. DICooper Says:

    Well you are a little late. I’m married now. I wrote this as a joke, but I do believe that all the women that I mentioned are beautiful. It was crude, looking back on it -and not so interesting like you wrote. What a difference six years can make. I suppose that is the real point of this blog.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: