I Taught My Niece to Levitate


As some of you already know, I have had the supernatural ability of levitation for some time now.  Of course I can only get a few millimeters off of the ground after sustained mental exertion but the fact remains that I am able to do it.  I don’t like to brag, and I won’t do it in inappropriate settings like bars or on street corners like some circus performer or magician.

When I levitate it is totally real.  Ever since I was a kid of about nine years old, I discovered that if I harnessed the energy of my thoughts in a relaxed and energetic manner I could exploit a rift in the physical properties of matter and hover above the ground for relatively short, but sustained periods of time.  I do not jump or pull myself up with my hands in any way.  What I do with with my brain could cause real damage to someone that isn’t in the right state of mind, so do not try to copy me.

Those of you that have seen me accomplish this extraordinary feat have marveled at the psychological and neurological tour de force performed in front of their eyes more than the bending of earth’s physical properties by my elevated wonderment.  Clearly I am a magnificent specimen of a human being so advanced that my mind possesses power and potency which has yet to be surpassed until a few days ago.  Everything about my superior mind is able to reverberate throughout the universe towards magnificent results for my sculpted body.

Apparently the ability to levitate is genetic and my niece has considerably more potency as she can levitate without the burden of excessive strain.  Lily Frances is the wave of the future, people.  Pretty soon the rest of you can evolve to our level and we can reduce our dependence on foreign oil because we’ll all be flying.  I used to think that I could only levitate to a height of .6 mm from anywhere between six to nine seconds at a time but now Lily Frances has shown me that it is possible to achieve greater heights for even longer.

Up until this point I had been using a certain mind-altering herb to help with the stresses of levitation anxiety.  I am not dependent on anything in particular but I have found that by oxidizing large macromolecules within the herb and ingesting the by product I could get into the proper mind frame quicker.  This initial benefit was only the beginning, as I also realized that my recovery times were quicker -perhaps because I was lighter. 

Anyway, I am totally dedicated to researching human flight just as soon as she is able to explain how she is able to harness her powers so deftly.  In the picture above, Lily Frances demonstrates that she can levitate over a ball, achieving a height of 18 mm sustained for 120 seconds, at my sister’s house to the amazement of onlookers!  Also in the picture, my brother is totally bald and proves that he is totally under Lily’s mind control as it relates to clothing color selection. 


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