The Legend of Pumpkin Foots

pumpkin foots Let me just tell you right now that LeRoy Jenkins is walking around masquerading as a normal kid for eleven months out of the year –albeit a kid that really loves candy. LeRoy is a candy aficionado, if you will. He likes all of the hard candies especially the ones that are found in great abundance: Werther’s, Jolly Ranchers, those red and white church mints, whatever. He likes the soft candies too, but when money gets tight he can’t always afford confectionary luxuries like Snickers bars and Charleston Chews purchased from a store. No LeRoy Jenkins is broke, and when he isn’t playing basketball he is known to steal candy. The point I’m really getting at though is that for one month out of the year LeRoy Jenkins becomes the embodiment of his colloquial moniker “Pumpkin Foots.”

I get it. You’re smart, and you already figured out that LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins picks the month of October to run around your neighborhood kicking gourds and stealing candy. To leave LeRoy’s story with that simple explanation would be doing it a tremendous disservice. However in the interest of brevity in this missive, I will try to add all of the necessary details so that you may get the gist of it. LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins got a hold of some magic candy, of sorts, and one of the principle side effects of eating magic candy is that it keeps you young. Other types of magic candy do other stuff too, so if anyone ever offers you magic candy you might want to say “no,” and steal it later.

Anyway, Pumpkin Foots is probably somewhere around 106 years old and I suspect he was born before all the really awesome candies came out and before Americans started celebrating traditional Halloween. LeRoy, it is pronounced lah-Reaux, also smacks of folks trying to be all uppity and putting fancy French on ordinary names which is what his kind of folks used to do back then in South Carolina where it is said he was born. On account of LeRoy Jenkins eating the magic candy, which I heard was like a pop-rocky blended milk egg cream awesome concoction, he moved around a lot since then. The sad fact is that is that LeRoy Jenkins is completely unaware of his condition of being perpetually young.

Maybe if LeRoy Jenkins knew that he was going to be young forever then he could actually enjoy it more instead of always figuring out ways to steal candy all the time? Maybe Pumpkin Foots wouldn’t be so inclined to molest innocent pumpkins? I don’t know everything. I’m no omniscient observer. I’m telling you the tale as it was told to me. So LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins is a product of the system. When I said that the magic candy kept him young, I meant mind, body and soul and as far as anyone can tell it never wears off. I’ll give him credit though, he tried to fight the magic candy at first and grow his mind and stuff by going to school but it never worked. He shuffled through maybe fifty or so elementary schools up and down the East coast because he was an orphan and nobody could figure him out.

The only thing that keeps LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins going now is candy and anger. He really is a bastard and he can’t wait until the new candies come out. In the olden days the folks used to say that the magic candy was the root of it: that the candy didn’t work unless it was stolen away from somebody. I suspect LeRoy Jenkins was the stealing sort of kid long before he stumbled upon the magic candy, but I’m not convinced that the candy can cause rage. No, I think that LeRoy Jenkins became “Pumpkin Foots” to deal with his psychosis. I think that “Pumpkin Foots” is a manifestation of LeRoy Jenkins’ angst towards taking school so seriously and always having to be in one as a result of his appearance. I mean, here is this kid trying to do the right thing and he makes one mistake of eating some magic candy and now he can’t figure out why he’s sofa king stupid.

Every year around the time that kids start going to school in the United States, LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins goes on a rampage. He has lived everywhere, stealing candy as he goes and pleading innocence via naiveté. LeRoy Jenkins gets away with it every time, too because what are you really going to do to an orphan that appears to be perpetually twelve-years-old? Basically we’re all too busy failing LeRoy Jenkins to care until unsuspecting people start putting pumpkins on their lawns, advertising the fact that they cater to kids and hold candy. LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins is one kid who happens to love candy.

Anyway, you see where I’m going with this. Be on the lookout for a kid between the ages of eleven and thirteen with pumpkin entrails on his jeans and goulashes. His clothes are usually kind of old looking and he talks in an old timey, southern sort of drawl but he’s been spotted as far North as Maine. He has an affinity for playing basketball on public courts during normal school hours and is only seen eating candy, usually stolen Twizzlers that he refers to as “French licorice.” Beware, because he is known to steal and despite his retarded progression he is particularly cunning.

Whatever you do, don’t take him in. Oh, and give him all your candy. If you don’t offer it to him, he’ll think that you might be hiding some more magical candy that he has to steal in order to get the desired effect. Afterwards LeRoy “Pumpkin Foots” Jenkins basically kicks the shit out of your carefully carved and decorated pumpkin to remind himself that he already hit your house.

Don’t play him in one-on-one either. That kid will embarrass you and you might hurt yourself slipping on a seed.

Be careful out there, friends.

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